The Rembis Report and Other Fascinating Topics - Volume LXIV

I was summoned.

For jury duty.

That's right, they picked me! Me. Out of all the hundreds of thousands of registered voters in the county they could have chosen - they picked me!

So, too bad for all those losers who didn't get picked! I get to go and sit among my peers and decide the fate of a fellow citizen who may or may not have done something to be guilty of. If we are lucky, it may be something especially heinous and we can arrange an introduction with Ol' Sparky.

But wait - what's this? Another letter from the court? A postcard?

TO JUROR:

YOU HAVE BEEN RELEASED FROM JURY SERVICE. IT WILL NOT BE NECESSARY FOR YOU TO REPORT ON MONDAY, AS SEVERAL COURT CASES HAVE BEEN RESOLVED. IF ANY QUESTIONS YOU MAY CALL.

CLERK OF THE CIRCUIT COURT

What! You mean I don't have to go? What kind of bait and switch scam are these people running?

I want to go. I cleared my schedule. I got the day off of work so I could go. I am devastated. So sad to be rejected.

I know a lot of people say they loathe jury duty and make up excuses to avoid it, but I have never been on a jury. I want to go!

This was the third time I was ever called, and both times before, I was not picked. Last time, I no sooner showed up, then they sent me home. I had barely sat down. The first time I went, a lawyer at least asked me a question. "Have you ever had a traffic ticket."

"Yes, I have." I said politely.

"Thank you. The gentleman may be excused." he told the judge.

What? How exactly does the judicial system work? I mean, not everybody is driving around out there without ever having gotten a speeding ticket. Some have, but good luck finding them. Why should that disqualify me? If anything, it makes me more like every other typical driver out there.

All the court experience I have is from trying to fight a traffic fine, which did not work, and watching court shows on TV. If you ever get a traffic ticket - just pay it. The court does not need you wasting their time and the municipality just wants your money and for you to slow down. Going to court won't accomplish anything, so just pay the fine and move on.

I see so many of these not worthwhile cases on the TV court shows. Take your pick - The People's Court, Judge Judy, Hot Bench, Judge Joe Brown, Judge Jeanine Pirro, Judge Steve Harvey -

Steve Harvey, from Family Feud? Really, Mike?

Yes, really. That Steve Harvey. There was even the short-lived Gary Busey: Pet Judge. I never saw it, but the trailer just about says it all. Watch at your own risk.

I don't tune in to all these shows regularly, but I watch a case here and there. Sometimes I am lucky to catch one in a medical office waiting room. For the most part, the cases are not stunning, but it is clear how trivial most are, and a bizarre reflection of what judges and juries must deal with. No wonder nobody wants to go to jury duty.

People are suing for weird and petty things. Cell phone bills. Used vehicles. Dog stuff; bites, groomer mishaps, breeder malfunctions, custody. Many of the cases are family versus family and neighbor versus neighbor. Much of the time I wonder how people's minds work when I see suits brought forth in the hundreds, or even tens of dollars. I think the lowest I have ever seen was a lawnmowing service who got stiffed for around $29.

Then there are landlord-tenant disputes. One of them is always clearly the neglectful party. Either the tenant who wouldn't clean anything on their way out, or the landlord who refused to fix anything.

Court shows are light, informative, and voyeuristic entertainment. A case usually lasts twenty minutes and sometimes the verdict is a little surprising. But after a while, all the cases seem to bleed into each other. Every episode seems like I have seen it before. You can practically predict the court's decision. So, they get stale. The basic format is not going to change, but the presentation can.

So - here it is. Just what you have been waiting for. A new and improved court show. Bigger, better, and super-cool. From the mind of Mike Rembis, hopefully sponsored by Elon Musk, because he can afford it, I present -

Roll court scene montage, and . . . Action!

Live! From St. Petersburg, Florida on Pinellas County public access television. Four judges, two benches, one verdict. These are the cases you won't find in any other courtroom. The participants are real, and these cases have already resulted in mistrials, hung juries, or were thrown out of the system altogether. So, they have brought their grievances to us, to have their cases settled once and for all, in our public forum.

This is DOMINION OF JUSTICE!

Your judges for today's proceedings were randomly selected from our studio audience. Let's give them a big Dominion of Justice welcome.

[APPLAUSE]

Sitting on Bench One, from Gulfport, we have Jordan. Judge Jordan is a part-time physical therapist and almost full-time beach bum. Joining her on bench one, from Clearwater, we have Kurt. Judge Kurt is a work-from-home marketing specialist and full-time stay at home Dad.

The crowd goes wild.

Sitting on Bench Two today, all the way from South Tampa, it's Odessa. Judge Odessa is a retired librarian and Mom to six cats. Finally, from right here in St. Petersburg, meet Patrick. Judge Patrick is a part-time actor and brand ambassador for a local tequila distributor.

So, that's how it starts, and of course, cases are brought forward. But it's not just a plaintiff and defendant. Oh no, not on my watch. These proceedings will have everything; legal counsel (who may or may not be real attorneys), a clerk, a bailiff, and a jury of three randomly selected audience members.

Why only three jurors, Mike?

Time constraints. It's my show. I can do what I want. So, three jurors, because they can deliberate faster.

Why are there four judges and two benches?

Please hold your questions for a bit. It will all make sense in a few minutes. You'll see.

The gallery on Dominion of Justice will be more like a The Price Is Right audience than a Let's Make A Deal audience. Costumes would be silly for gallery attendees, so we won't have any of that to maintain a sense of decorum, but shouting, boos, hisses, cheers, will all be acceptable. None of that crazy silence you need in a real courtroom. I mean, we don't want anybody falling asleep.

When plaintiffs and defendants tell their sides of the story, you can get a good read from the crowd as to how they feel about what is going on, based on their reactions. Who is the real crook here? All that energy will help, trust me.

Judges on bench one will ask questions first. Then, pass priority to bench two. After testimony from both parties and witnesses, the judges will pass priority to the jurors, who may ask more questions. This is where it gets crazy, so it is time for a commercial break, probably from Tesla or SpaceX, because you know, Elon.

Anyway, when we go to break, there will be ring girls like they have at boxing matches, because, why not? To make sure that we are equal opportunity offenders, we can always have some beefy ring guys once in a while.

Once the jury asks a few more nagging questions, the judges will get into more questions, and finally, the jury will deliberate. Not in a closed off room where we don't know what they are thinking, but right there in the court, out loud for everyone to witness. Then, they will announce their decision to the judges.

If the judges all agree with the jury, a verdict is rendered, and a decision will be handed down concerning fines, punishment, or freedom.

But the judges may not agree with the jury. In that case, each bench presents their decision. If they are opposed, it goes straight to mob rule, and whatever gets the popular vote wins.

What if bench one is split? If Jordan and Kurt disagree, and Odessa and Patrick agree with Jordan, Jordan may dissent. Then, she can walk over to Bench Two and ask to be tagged in. Then it is three against one, no mob rule, and a verdict is rendered.

I know it is not perfect, but what system of justice is? At least mine will be fun. And no stalling for time with a special master. It's a 30-minute show. We want laughs and we want them now!

Instead of having a hallway host like Doug Llewellen or man on the street like Harvey Levin from People's Court, our host will be right there in the courtroom, working the crowd. We may even have a house band.

That's overkill, Mike.

Okay, you're right. No band. But the ring girls stay!