The Rembis Report and Other Fascinating Topics - Volume LXIX

It is in the kitchen drawer.

I know it is, because I put it there. That was the last place I saw it, so it has to be there.

You probably have the same problem I do. Looking for that thing you put in the kitchen drawer. You know you did, but now, it is gone. But you want it. You need it.

Well, me too. I saved it for a specific purpose. Because I was going to use it. I mean, I will use it, as soon as I find it.

So, I cleaned out the junk drawer. I emptied it completely. I set everything out on the counter, then I organized it. Batteries. Candles. Keys. For what? How do we have these extra keys? Key chains without keys. Pens. Pencils. Rubber bands. Little washers and paper clips. But it is not in there. Where can it be? But then, there is this little piece of plastic. What does it go to? I don't know. I have never seen it before.

You have one too, right? Some little piece of plastic that looks like it goes to something, so it must be important. Better not throw that out, I mean, just in case. You might need it. Put that in a plastic bag. Save it.

Maybe it is in the other junk drawer. The one we keep the other stuff in that we really don't want to lose because we might need it. I inventoried that one, too. Measuring tape, screwdriver, playing cards, matches, a lighter (doesn't work), more pens and pencils, and miscellaneous electrical cords, mostly for cell phones we no longer have. I am sure not all of them are for cell phones, but what they are for, I just can't say. Better put those into the bag in the garage with all the other cords. Chances are none of these cords are ever going to be used again, but you never know. You don't throw out your extra cords either, right? Know what else is in there? Bingo markers. When was the last time anybody played bingo? How did they get there? Bingo is about the most frustrating game in the world because somebody else always wins right when you're just one number away. I won't play it again. Forget that.

Maybe it is in the pet drawer. That drawer you dedicate to all the stuff you need for your pets, right between the two junk drawers. There are little stuffed animals, fake mice for the cats, a tennis ball for the dog. Nobody plays tennis, they just watch it on TV, and not even the full games, just the highlights, like when somebody gets hit in the head or yells at the judge. Ping pong balls. I have those too. I don't have a ping pong table or paddles, just the balls. For the cats.

The cats own this drawer. I don't even know if I am really allowed to look in here. Ear cleaner for cats. Hairbrushes. Little flea combs. All they do is groom all day. They don't cook or do surgery or anything. How clean are they trying to get? We have leashes and collars, too. They only go in the back yard and don't want to be in the front, so those aren't being used. But we're keeping them.

So, if it isn't in any of these drawers, where else?

I know I put it in a drawer. Maybe the one with the soup cans and rice and beans. No. It's all food. But look! There's that taco seasoning. I thought we were out of that. I wasn't looking for it, but it looks like taco night is imminent. What's this? A bag of dried . . . something. Dead bugs? Oh, that's garlic. It's still good, just ugly. Envelopes of all kinds of seasonings I have been meaning to try. Lots of Thai stuff. Time to start a shopping list. Need coconut milk. Well, it's not in this drawer. Moving on.

Utensil drawer. Probably not there but I will look. Can't see through all that silver and enamel. It may actually be in there. I got all that stuff out and put it on the counter. All my knives. The ladle I thought we left at a potluck showed up, but that is not what I am looking for. So many chopsticks! I could start a restaurant. This drawer is filled with dust! Why? Oh, I see, all the knives and barbeque skewers rocking back and forth every time I open the drawer cuts into the back side and chips away at the wood. It is saw dust. So, I vacuumed that out.

It is not in utensil drawer number two either. Forks, spoons, can openers, corkscrews, measuring cups, but not anything I am looking for.

Maybe it is in the drawer with the plastic bags and food wrap. No. But I found more potholders. That is all for the top drawers below the counter. It is not in any of them. Did I put it up on a shelf?

Maybe. I mean, that is possible. I don't know if I did but I may have. May as well look. The pantry cupboards have dry and canned goods, and since it takes an extra step, I get the little stool to stand on. Oh, what discoveries await. I recognize most of it, but why are we so stocked up on peanut butter? Four jars! If we get inundated with third graders around here, I guess we are prepared. It is not on the bottom shelf, so I go higher. Popcorn, crackers, spaghetti and other noodles galore. Running low on honey. Add that to the list. OMG - Nestle Quik! Time out for a glass of chocolate milk. Why not. Can't remember the last time I had this. Tastes great. I don't remember buying it. Upon closer inspection I find the use by date is for October 2009. Oh my, it is October - 2022. Uh, this Nestle Quik is over 13 years old. They don't even make it anymore. Now it is called Nesquik. I wonder if I could sell this on Ebay. Turns out that maybe I can. It aged well. I like it. But I think I will keep it. And throw it away.

But that thing I am looking for isn't up here. You probably haven't found your thing yet either. I check out the rest of the foodstuffs and luckily, don't find anything older than the Nestle Quik. I did find the crème brûlée kit. Time to buy more eggs and fire up the torch!

Maybe it is in one of the cabinets on the other side of the kitchen. Nope. Just a bunch of plates and glasses and no real surprises.

Is it down below? Under the sink? Doubtful. I never put anything under there that doesn't belong under the sink. But I can check all the other cabinets and drawers. All the cleaning products are down there under the cat toy drawer. Over with the potatoes - what's this? Tequila! Now were cooking. Drinking, anyway. A shot of tequila never hurt anyone, so why not. My thing isn't down there, but I am feeling better now about the search. Only a few more cabinets to go.

What was I looking for?

The drawers under the utensils are filled with paper plates and plastic forks, knives, and spoons. Serving bowls. Mixing bowls. Every shape and size of storage container ever found in a civilized kitchen is here. How do we have so many? I could throw an impromptu picnic like right now! I got peanut butter, Nestle Quik, tequila, what more could you want?

Oh, yeah. That thing.

It has got be here.

My dear sweet wife Ellen asks "Did you look in the car? Maybe you left it in there."

It is not in the car. I am not going out to look there because I distinctly recall putting it in a drawer. A kitchen drawer. I will not be deterred! It is here somewhere.

I look among the pots and pans. Nope. It is not in there with the Pyrex or Tupperware. It is not in the other drawer filled with more paper plates and napkins. Hold up. Why do we have so many paper plates? Did we just buy more and more disposable flatware and plates every time we thought we needed them? Why didn't we just remember that we already had the ones in the other drawer?

Don't even tell me you don't have similar issues in your kitchen. I know you do. My kitchen is no anomaly. It is typical. You probably have at least three or four stupid things in your kitchen, you will never get rid of, even though you never use them. There are stacks of bowls you got because they were pretty, but they don't go with anything else, so they sit in the dark. At least I use my blender and mixers on a regular basis. The meat hammer - never. But I keep it.

It is not anywhere. It is not with the pitchers or the shot glasses, not beside the popcorn maker or the big heavy soup pot, not with the coffee mugs.

The last drawer at the bottom in the corner is filled with shopping bags and it won't close. It is a longshot but maybe it is in there. I pull out all the reusable shopping bags and the four-slot bags they give you when you buy wine. Man, we have a lot of these. I empty the drawer completely and it won't close. We have so many bags, a couple of them must have gotten pushed up and behind the drawer. So, I take out the drawer to fix it. Sure enough, more of those little wine bags got stuck back there and they were keeping the drawer from closing all the way.

But wait - what is this?

THERE IT IS!

It got stuck back there with the wine bags! Just like everything you lose and eventually find - it was in the last place I looked (because I could stop searching).

I finally found the coupon I was looking for.

It was expired.

Thanks for reading.

If you are new to the Rembis Report and would like to read any of the previous issues, PLEASE CLICK HERE to access the archives. To read it from the beginning, PLEASE GET A COPY of The Rembis Report: An Observation.