The Rembis Report and Other Fascinating Topics - Volume XLIII

Groceries. Can't stand shopping for them, can't go without them.

Groceries. Can't stand shopping for them, can't go without them.

So, of course we shop, we have to.

Grocery shopping is, indeed, a chore. I like to shop as quickly and efficiently as possible. Walk in with a reusable bag or two, fill up a basket, and leave, with ten items or less if possible. In and out.

Waiting in line is not for me either. I go to the shortest line possible, except for the self-serve, do it yourself scanning. I am not in that much of a hurry. I know it won't make much of a difference, but I like to keep the checkers and baggers employed. Robots, not so much.

But what about the people who make the robots, Mike?

I'm not too worried about them. Somebody will want them to make more robots, so I am sure they will be fine.

I also like to use cash. Go to the bank once a week and pay cash everywhere. No fumbling with cards and pushing buttons. Cash is king. As a bonus, I am finding lately that cash registers are poorly stocked with change these days, so when your bill is a few cents over a dollar, the clerk will hand you bills that equate to the nearest even dollar amount instead of counting out ninety-some-odd cents. Cha-ching, baby! That won't happen with robots.

I try not to hurry so that I can find everything I need and flow through the store in an organized manner, taking the shortest possible route through the aisles, to avoid backtracking, and picking up ice cream last, so it does not melt.

I do realize how fortunate I am to have this luxury. Walking through a store and being able to retrieve and bring home practically anything I want to eat is not something everyone else in the world can do, for a variety of reasons. So, I try to humble myself, and not complain when my shopping trip goes awry.

However, sometimes, stuff happens.

Last week, I walked into Publix with two shopping bags and decided to get a cart instead of a basket because I was sure to fill both bags. No way to handle it all otherwise. I was probably going to be in the 10-15 item range.

Publix knows their local demographic. Somehow, they play just the right mix of soft rock for people over fifty that is not too loud, does not offend, is devoid of commercials, and sometimes offers songs that you have not heard in a while.

Foot traffic was light. It was midafternoon and there was no bustle. A George Michael tune faded into a Bon Jovi serenade. I picked out some nuts on my way to the meat. Took my time choosing just the right chicken and beef and thought about what I might get to go with it. The Cranberries replaced Bon Jovi when I reached the Chardonnays and I stood there for a while, enjoying the tune, reading labels, deciding on one 2018 over another. Somebody hurried past me. They walked between me and my cart. I did not notice who it was.

I have absolute tunnel vision when I shop. I am there for my purpose alone, and nothing else. I am looking at food, not people, so I am sure that if I ever had to pick anyone out of a lineup for shoplifting, I could not. Go for it, thieves.

I turned back to my cart to put the wine in, and there, in that nasty child seat you hope was properly cleaned, somebody left a leaking package of cut watermelon with a dripping wet paper towel underneath it. Somebody walked right behind me and deposited this thing in my cart! I could not believe it. How uncouth.

I could have deposited the package in the beer cooler and left it sitting there, but that's not right. Just because some moron decided to hand over their unwanted fruit to me, I wasn't going to abandon it in the wrong place, so I headed over to produce to put it where it probably belonged. I looked for the packages of cut watermelon and met the fellow working that section who asked if he could help.

I explained that some idiot walked right by and put this in my cart. Then I noticed a bunch of other stuff in my cart. A couple little crates of strawberries and a handsome cake from the bakery. Then I realized that my bags were missing. Not only did they put all their stuff in my cart, they stole my bags!

It was clearly evident at that point that I had taken somebody else's cart and they had mine. So, why were they not paying closer attention to their cart?

The produce clerk took all of the unwanted items to return to store shelves. I now had wine and meat in this cart, kept one hand on it at all times on my way back to the meat section, where I found my original cart with my bags and mixed nuts, unscathed. Tragedy averted.

I feel kind of bad for the person who lost their carefully chosen fruits and cake. But, they need to be more careful. That'll teach 'em!

I guess the lesson here is that if you see me walking around the grocery store at the same time you are, keep an eye on your cart, because there is a good chance I may snag it and have all your groceries put back.

You have been warned.