The Rembis Report and Other Fascinating Topics - Volume LXXXVII

With so much going on all over the place it is hard to know where to begin.

I mean, there are weird balloons getting shot out of the sky, the war in Ukraine still rages, Turkey and Syria have been devastated by earthquakes, and Covid is still something to be a little concerned about. So much activity. So much to consider. Sometimes, you just need to take a break.

You know one of my favorite things to do is watch TV. I dedicate myself to a bit of escapism on a regular basis, just to get away from all that other stuff for a little while. Everybody should. If not TV, then a book, or walk, or bike ride. Just something to recharge yourself without thinking about all that other stuff, because it will all still be there when you get back.

For me, cop shows are the way to go. I like cop shows a lot. Not all of them, but when I find one I like I stick with it for the full run, beginning to end, like I do with every other TV show I really like. The weekly serial that I currently record on the DVR and watch on the weekend is Law & Order: Organized Crime. It is a typical legal drama that has everything I like in a cop show. A crime, an investigation, undercover snooping, car chases, and then somebody gets busted. And sometimes they go into a strip club where all the babes are in bikinis because it is network television, so that’s cool, too.

I have been a cop show fan my whole life. Starsky and Hutch, The Dukes Of Hazzard, The Andy Griffith Show, Miami Vice, Hill Street Blues, Law & Order, Hawaii Five-O, Kojak, Twin Peaks, The Wire, Bosch, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Shades Of Blue: these are just a few favorites off the top of my head, but the list goes on.

The best way to watch anything is uninterrupted. No commercials, just sit and watch. With the DVR you fast forward through commercials but that is not a big deal. I like to find a time I have the house to myself, when my dear sweet wife Ellen is out on an errand or on a phone call or doing something else and knows I am watching my cop show, and that I am seeking respite, so as not to disturb me. I pour myself a frosty beverage full of lime and tequila, grab some corn chips and salsa, and I am set.

It should be perfect. The shades are drawn to keep out reflections of light for my home theater. Cats have been fed and are asleep, so not begging. I get through the whole show unscathed, completely entertained until the last 12 seconds of the final scene, right when the detective drops their last really cool line, and it is interrupted.

EVERY TIME!

My wife may be getting home from errands, or just coming in to tell me something, and asks, “Is that almost over?” and it shatters the entire cinematic experience. It is not always the last 12 seconds, however, and it is not always my wife. It could be any one of many people or things, but rest assured, sometime during the last five minutes of the show, it will need to be paused for something. It happened again today.

I got some chores done, a household repair out of the way, and my reward was 47 minutes of uninterrupted cop show. Or so I thought. This time, the doorbell rings. It was a delivery guy with a package. It wasn’t even necessary for him to ring the bell. He didn’t need a signature. He just rang the bell, left the package, and ran back to his truck. But why? Just leave the package, man! Don’t be wasting my doorbell electricity. There was no need for that. I’m watching a cop show here.

Sometimes, it’s a phone call, right in the middle of the car chase scene. And it’s not even a real person calling for anything important. It is a robocall, which I am not going to respond to in other way than to add it to the call blocker. So there is nobody to yell at.

Or it might be girl scouts knocking on the door to sell cookies, right when the cops are asking important questions about somebody they are looking for, and the guy they are asking won’t stop working long enough to answer their questions, so they have to follow him around through the whole scene. He might be moving boxes, or tossing cod at a fish market, climbing a ladder, you name it, that guy has work to do and he doesn’t have time to stop and chat with cops. And the girl scouts at my front door interrupting this crucial scene of exposition don’t even have cookies with them. They’re just taking orders! They’re not even carrying!

So, cookies are on their way, I am still waiting. But every week, same thing. I can’t get through the whole show in one shot.

Sometimes, it happens right at the start of the show, and it isn’t even something you can blame on somebody else. I’m sitting there this one time, watching a guy get shot, or somebody get kidnapped, I don’t know which, it’s like that’s all that ever happens, and I tipped my glass over with the salsa bowl and spilled my drink all over the floor. So, then I pause the show, clean all that up, and mix another drink. Wouldn’t have been so bad if I had already had a few, but I just poured a fresh drink. Did not even have the first sip yet. And, you know when you mix that first drink and you know you tweaked it just right, you can’t get it exactly right just like you did the first time, so the second drink never tastes as good as the first. Anyway, this slows down the whole show, and the window of time you have to watch it before your wife gets home with the groceries. So, I could have been done watching before she got home, but no. Because of the delay, she shows up in the last five minutes, right when the bad guy is holding somebody hostage, and walks in just as the gunfight erupts. “Is that almost over?”

So, I help put all the groceries away, and then the cats start looking for food, and there is another delay. But I persevere. I will not put the show on hold any further. I am going to find out what happens. I close the door and lock myself in for the last scene and then they hit me with a TO BE CONTINUED cliffhanger.

The distractions may seem to vary, but they are always basically the same; stuff I would be doing anyway if I wasn’t watching TV. The show itself is always basically the same too. The detective knows a guy in another department who can help with the investigation, there is some informant or unsavory character they have a history with, their lead suspect has a long list of prior offenses, but he just got killed, and that guy who couldn’t stop checking in passengers at the airport long enough to talk with law enforcement, tells them “You really need to talk to so-and-so, but you didn’t hear it from me.” Then you find out that the DEA, FBI, CIA, or CNN is also investigating and nobody can decide whose jurisdiction anything falls under.

Once in a while Internal Affairs shows up and ruins everyone’s day because they are looking for some dirty cop, and of course, it is some captain who runs his crew like a gangster. Then there are the cops who have been deep undercover for over a year who might have turned or gone rogue. And why nobody has any success in getting rid of a gun that has been used in a crime is beyond me. Thugs are so dumb.

The mainstay elements of cop shows don’t change. Just like your weekend routine. These are comforting things that we need to maintain balance. Stuff you expect to happen but just do not know when. Predictable, but oddly timed to keep you guessing what will happen next. Will a hacker steal my stuff? Will a stranger at the door be dangerous? Will everything work out in the end?

I feel pretty secure in my own home, going through my personal routines and enjoying fiction on TV, and I am certain everything here is going to be okay.

As for the rest of the world, we will have to wait and see.

Thanks for reading.

If you are new to the Rembis Report and would like to read any of the previous issues, PLEASE CLICK HERE to access the archives. To read it from the beginning, PLEASE GET A COPY of The Rembis Report: An Observation.